Anyway, I wrote the following kind of intending it to be the beginning of a series of blogs that were meant to reflect on four very important dates in my life that, conveniently enough, roughly correlate to the four seasons. I haven't changed anything from what I wrote in 2008, despite the fact that I was struggling through a very dark period of my life and was doing a lot of pretty manic, frazzled writing. So I've got a few follow-up thoughts at the end. On the 15th anniversary of the date in question, and because I have started this infrequently updated blog, I thought I might get back to the idea. But we'll see. Please excuse my self-indulgence. It's mostly meant as a thank you to a very good friend, despite the self-absorbed rambling nature of it.
March 26, 1996
Most of the blogs I’ve posted in the last few months have either been set to private or my preferred list. It’s all been very specific and a bit too personal to be making public. So hey, here’s a public one, even though it’s also extremely personal.
Twelve years ago, was one of the most important days of my life. I’ve had more important days since then and maybe a couple before, but this one is definitely up there. I came out as gay to my best friend at the time. And I guess now I realize I’m coming out to a few people that might be reading this, although I’m sure most of you had already figured it out. Hey, I’m gay. There. Thanks. Or "I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it."
Anyway, I’d kind of been coming to terms with it for almost a year before then, after I graduated high school. I was really okay with it, and actually reveling in it, by the time I came out. And I guess I came out because by that time, I had a circle of friends that I socialized with on a daily or weekly basis, and I felt it was easier to be out than to NOT be out to them. I won’t go into the details of how it came about, but it was quite a profound moment for me that day I sent the email to my friend kind of laying it all out.
I found it pretty easy to come out to people after the first few important ones, namely my two best friends. Pretty much every new person I met knew it relatively soon. And I was out all over the place on the Internet, which is probably why I spent so much time on it at the time. My sister was the first in my family to be told, a couple weeks or months later, I think. My brother… well that happened toward the end of 2003 in the middle of a screaming argument. Probably not the best way to go about it, I guess, but something important was coming up and I felt like he was in the way at that moment. Oddly, I never told my parents until Nov. 16 of 2007. I always wanted to. I could have told them at any time, really. I never felt any shame about it and I was 99.9% sure that they wouldn’t think any differently of me for it. I guess I just felt that it wasn’t any of their business. In a way, it was. In a way, it wasn’t. And the more time went by without telling them, the more it seemed irrelevant, even though it was a huge part of my life that I wasn’t sharing or admitting to them because it was easier not to.
Of course they already knew. And I told them (or my mom) in the middle of a crisis situation. My mom said "Honey, we already knew that. And your dad has thought it since you were about 3 years old." LOL. And I guess it was probably confirmed for them when I moved to another state to live with my boyfriend for 4 years. So, it was a bit anti-climactic. But under the circumstances, I guess it would have to be.
Still, I’ve never told extended family. I guess I’m doing that now, and they can tell their parents anything about it they want to. Doesn’t matter. Would make it less awkward for me, I guess. Or maybe more awkward when I come home. But I have an amazing family, and an amazing extended family that is very close, and I know that they aren’t going to think any less of me for it or make me feel uncomfortable about it.
So, anyway, in the meantime, since I first started coming out twelve years ago, it’s been a strange experience. Everyone was very cool about it. Everyone but me, actually. All of my friends seemed okay with it, and maybe that was my problem. I think I must have wanted it to be a bigger deal. It kind of became the focus of what I was about, all I talked about, etc. I guess after 19 years of keeping it all in, I sort of "flamed out" and sort of made it all I was about for awhile. Understandable. But incredibly annoying in hindsight. And I’m sure some of those people would confirm that for you.
I tried online relationships for awhile. And that’s too stressful, full of heartache and never comes out the way you want it to. Oh, let’s not forget the few straight friends that I’ve fallen in love with and the varying degrees to which I handled that when it happened. I’ve never had any trouble getting laid. I’m quite bold and confident when it comes to that. LOL. But for a long time, I was desperately trying to fill the void in my heart with online relationships or people I already know and could never be with, because I’ve never really been an outgoing person. I’ve never really put myself in situations to meet people that I might have an emotional connection with. Or maybe I was just self-conscious and online and over the phone was easier than face-to-face meetings or expectations. I don’t know.
But that changed in 2002. I fell in love. True, actual, senses-shattering, pulse-pounding, life-changing love. And it happened the minute I stopped desperately searching for it and trying to make it happen with the wrong people.
But I just realized that falling in love and what I’ve learned from it and the end of that relationship might require a blog of its own, on the appropriate date later in the year. So…. To be continued? I guess so. And I imagine that there will be a third one even later in the year that was the culmination of a major life event instrumental in leading me to the point where I felt that I could just be myself and start letting people know who I am. So in October, I’ll be coming full circle with 3 of the most important dates in my life.
Anyway, the point is, I’m gay and I started telling people about it twelve years ago today. I like to commemorate it every year in some small way. A lot of the time I send an email saying "thanks" to that first person. And if he happens to be reading this, I want to thank him again. Thanks for being my friend then, and thanks for being my friend now. And this year, I guess I’m coming out to a whole bunch more people that I haven’t told (if they even care, or if they even read this) - childhood friends, high school classmates, extended family, etc. - even if every single person that might read this already knows it and has for years without being told.
Feel free to comment, but that’s not why I’m posting. Just sharing. Thanks for reading. If you did.
Reading back on this, I'd probably write it a lot differently if I were doing it now. I might be more revealing, or possibly less. But thanks to Sean and Staci for being there for me in uncharted territory for all of us.
It's funny to me thinking back on when I came to terms with the fact that I was gay that I still never really acted upon it very often. If I knew then what I did now, I'd have gotten laid a whole lot more. I would have actually tried. But I'd also probably be dead by now, and some of those other important milestones may not have been reached. And in the last 3 years, I've definitely made up for lost time by wasting a lot of time on sex. More on that later, in the aftermath of another one of these.
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